I come back to this blog with my tail between my legs. It’s been a while.
I’ll start by saying that this year has been rough. In 2016, I began a new relationship, which I learned this year is terrifying for me due the weight of my past experiences (not because my partner isn’t the greatest thing ever, because he is). I met my birth mom for the first time in my 26-year-long life. I quit pole for almost 6 months, simply because I let myself get too serious, too quickly. I came face-to-face with the amount of privilege and ignorance I possess as I trained to become a crisis line counselor (okay, more on that in another post, because that’s actually awesome – but, yes, the confronting stuff part was hard). I’ve had difficulty at work. I’ve had to quit social media due to the amount of stress it causes me. I’ve had family issues. I’ve sharply questioned my future and my career path. I’ve battled with mental illness more so than I have in other years. Most oddly – and, in a way, most devastatingly – I started to hate writing.
Yeah, me. And yeah, “hate”.
I went back to working on the novel I wrote last November for NaNoWriMo over this past summer. Around the same time, I also started a new blog, one that would be solely centered around confidence issues. Although both projects were meaningful to me, I went in with them without thinking things through and watched my interest level crash and burn – nay, incinerate. I started to re-read my work, cringing at everything from my use of adverbs ad nauseum to my obnoxious white-girl fillers. My creativity became clouded. My motivation was shot. Worst of all, I realized that I was writing about a topic (confidence) that I myself was shaky on and I didn’t feel like being a fraud any longer. Moreover, I realized that my novel was one that required extensive research and reworking before it would be fit for public consumption. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I felt like I needed to take a huuuuuge step back before I began these arduous processes.
And now, here I am. I haven’t written a word to the public for months. Who’d have expected that?
Overall, I realized this year that writing wasn’t and isn’t going to be my way of making a life for myself. To make a living writing, I would have to become passionate about online journalism or blogging with a business edge and…sorry, but I’m just not. I could also, in an ideal world, become a best-selling novelist, but I don’t think I’m cut out for that either. I like to write about whatever the hell I want with no negotiation or pressure. For so long, I tried to delude myself into thinking I was different, but I’m not. I’m not a selfish person, but I’m a really selfish writer. I want to dedicate my life to helping people, but writing is NOT how I’m going to do that.
In case anyone’s curious about what all of this means, here are some conclusive takeaways for ya:
No, Building Your Bold will not continue. I’ll be frank with you: I am not a confident person in many aspects of my life. I certainly can’t call myself an expert on it. (Note: I’ll have an announcement on that blog about my leaving but will keep the non-tragic articles on there).
However, Infinite Corners WILL. I still plan to come here to write about my travels, favorite sociological phenomena, political things, and life updates. Some people have said that I entertain them, so I’ll remain on the internet for them. As for how often I will post, I have no idea, but will try and do SOMETHING monthly.
Yes, I will still work on and eventually publish my novel. I just might be in my 40s when I do it. Or maybe my 100s. Who knows.
Yes, I am still happy to write or edit for people who specifically ask me for writing help. I acknowledge that I have a talent for writing and I won’t waste that completely. If you need writing-related help, my services are 100% free.
Yes, I am still staying off social media for a while. I don’t currently have a Facebook and I rarely use Twitter and Instagram. This has been helpful for me and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
Yes, I still have a lot of exciting things in the works, especially related to my career. I won’t talk about these now, but expect a much sunnier post in a few months.
Lastly, yes – returning to pole is my New Year’s Resolution. I don’t usually do those, but I think going back to pole classes is a worthy and achievable one.
This post isn’t meant to be a downer, though I acknowledge that it has some elements of downerism. Please know that if you’re bummed out, I can bake you cookies and sing you entertaining songs rich with scatalogical humor as condolence.
Happy holidays to all and I look forward to speaking to everyone through the magic of the internet again soon.